Home is where our hearts are.

I’m at my parents house right now.  I visit every weekend and join them for church and a meal or two.  It’s funny to me that this house itself means nothing to me though.  I didn’t grow up here.  My memories of childhood are scattered over a dozen different backgrounds, and this house barely makes the list.  But to be here, to spend time with my family… this is home to me. 

Something else has been funny to me recently.  I have various “homes” within my different groups of friends, each distinct and lesser than the home I’m right now at.  But there is one that is frighteningly near that level.

I wish I could say it were the fellowship of believers I surround myself in.  I’m not yet at a point where I can be that deep with most christians yet.  I keep communion with select few.  I’m still too scared of how most might react if they found out who I really was.  So with the majority, I keep a distance. 

I wish I could say it was the actual church I attend.  But I have too much resentment for the power they hold over my family.  A few misspoken words could strip my father from the pastoral calling God has given him.  Or so he fears, & I fear telling him things that would upset him and unsettle his sermon.

To say it was God would be nice, but in all honesty, He and I have strained relationship too often.  He’s always there for me, but I can’t always look at/to/with/for Him it seems.  We’re working on it though, like always.

I wish it were something easy, and beautiful, and full of all the “right” christian answers, but it isn’t.  It scares and comforts me.  I dare to tread out of the shelter of my familial home for the sake of it, knowing that pain and heart-wounds will likely follow for one reason or another.

Truth is, I’m quietly finding a home next to another guy.  I didn’t expect it,  didn’t ask for it this way, and didn’t think I’d be allowed it.  But it’s happening.  There is so much more I’d like to say/express/have you mull over with me, but I have let it build too much to tell at once.  I didn’t know where to start with all the life that’s happened, so for now it is just this.  Having a boyfriend is surprisingly more comfortable and at home than I expected.